IT IS A FACT OF LIFE: There is a pretty good chance that you are NOT going to have fantastic, hot, life changing sex every time you visit a sex venue or meet a hot guy (s) online, at a bar or in a social setting - even though you try. Believe it or not, sometimes you may end up feeling down, angry, unsatisfied or depressed. 

This could be caused by any number of reasons and here are just a few examples:
* Having sex with someone you would not normally have sex with, and only because he was the only one around,
* Having expectations of making a friend or meeting a new boyfriend, but it doesn’t work out,
* Having great, meaningful sex with someone and thinking it was an intensely intimate experience for you. Then he gets up and walks out without saying a word,
* Experiencing a few refusals or not being able to hook up with someone,
* Being turned down by someone in an embarrassing way,
* Not being comfortable with a guy and unable to just break it off,
* Being in a sex venue or meeting someone without your boyfriend’s knowledge or approval,
* Doing something in “the heat of the moment”, like having unsafe sex or doing drugs, which you might regret later.

To deal with these, here are some basic tips and suggestions for your consideration:
Be clear before you go to a venue or hook up with someone what you are prepared to do, what you are prepared NOT to do and who you are willing to do it with.
* If you are having sex with someone and it doesn’t feel right, politely leave and go to another play area or another part of the bar, 
* Use the bad experience to your ADVANTAGE by using it as a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY; think about what happened, how it went wrong and how you might handle it differently next time.

Remember; NOT everyone is willing to Bareback (BB, unsafe sex) or do drugs, so be respectful and considerate of those you are playing with. Play nice with others. 

THE FIVE GOLDEN RULES OF VENUES / HOOKING UP IN GENERAL: (online or in person at a club)

The rules or etiquette of  venues or hooking up in general can vary from one venue to the next and from one area within the venue to another. But there are five basic “common sense golden rules” that pretty much cover all types of venues, hooking up online and other activities. From those who are hooking up for the first time, to the more experienced, these basic rules of venue / hooking up etiquette can help make sure that everyone has a safe, comfortable and pleasant experience. A goal we all would like to reach.


1) NO STILL MEANS NO. Without question, this is probably the most important rule. You have the right to say “NO” to anything you do not want to do and to anyone for any reason you wish, and you have the responsibility to RESPECT others if they tell you “NO” or “NO THANKS.” This covers everything from “No thanks, I don’t want to have sex with you.” and “No, I’m not interested in being toped.” to” No thanks, I’d rather not give you my cell number.” In short, “NO” is not rejection - it’s exercising your freedom of choice and respecting the right’s of other gay and bi-sexual young men, and their freedom of choice as well.

Today however, “NO” can mean respecting someone’s HIV status and helping to stop the spread of HIV. Contrary to popular belief, not all young HIV-negative gay men want to be infected with HIV, and not all HIV+ gay men wish to infect an HIV-negative gay man. Therefore, an increasing number of gay men in America are choosing to have sex with their own HIV status. (Google: 40% Gay Men Serosort , C.R.O.I. research 2014)

2) BE POLITE AND SUBTLE IN YOUR ADVANCES AND REFUSALS. Unless it’s part of a mutual sexual role playing fantasy, it can be awkward to have someone come on to you aggressively, and it’s embarrassing to be turned down publicly. Being polite means no one has to get embarrassed and you can get on with looking for what you both want.

3) WAIT TO BE INVITED. Speaking rarely happens before you make contact with someone, so learn to communicate without talking. This may include making eye contact or lightly brushing your hand against him. If he responds positively to your signals, that is an invitation for you to make an advance. Once again  however, unless it is part of a mutual sexual fantasy, under most circumstances it is bad etiquette to just walk up to someone and grope him.

4) TRY NOT TO INTERFERE WITH OTHER GUY’S COMFORT OR ACTIVITIES. Hogging slings, benches and other equipment without actually using it; blocking walkways, talking loudly and following someone who just said “NO” to you - all interfere with other’s enjoyment of the venue. Being aware of these and trying to avoid them help make the experience of going to the venue more pleasurable for everyone.

5) EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO STOP AT ANY TIME. If something is not working out for you, then you have the right to stop and move on to another area or leave. Be polite and understanding about it, not everyone is into everything and only experience can be your guide. On the flip side to this, you also
have the responsibility to stop if someone asks you to.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: A Guide Booklet For America's Gay & Bi-Sexual College Students ( published 2013 )